The ELKERS Reunion Site - 
Looks at the Lighter Side of Reunions, Aging, and Life in General! 

Philosophical Truths

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

 --Jimmy Shubert

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."

 --Richard Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."

 --Stephen Wright

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"

 --John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"

 --Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"

 --Richard Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."

 --Tim Steeves

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."

 --Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."

 --Emo Philips

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."

 --Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

 --Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

 --Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

 --Richard Jeni

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"

 --Jeff Green

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my   president get head."

 --Elon Gold

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."

 --Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." 

--Richard  Jeni

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

 --Emo Philips