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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks,
and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts, and ...
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Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during
a fire drill.
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If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message
across like a good mooning.
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When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end
of his chain and choke himself.
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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
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This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the
price you pay for letting relatives stay over.
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This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
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Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it
isn't ... you can't wait to throw up.
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I've learned: that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your
bed.
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I've learned: that Maturity is a magazine for old geezers.
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I've learned: that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win
the lottery, then the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, and the
horse-tooth girl will more than be there for "you".
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I've learned: that no matter how good a chick is, she'll only contribute to your
alcoholism.
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I've learned: that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still
expensive.
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I've learned: that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.
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I've learned: that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't have
secret plans to move out.
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I've learned: that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes
us feel better about ourselves.
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I've learned: that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could be
Victoria's.
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I've learned: that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
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I've learned: that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will
eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
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I've learned: that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of
hours.
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I've learned: that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries
out to you, you will find the door.
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I've learned: that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too
soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
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I've learned to say, "Screw you if you can't take a joke!" in different six
languages.
